Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas
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Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas, and soon
will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not
used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful :
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let
them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy
Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass
kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses
in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do
that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any
circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans;
this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are
not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Move your ass on home before we kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't
want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are
saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that
matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides,
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open
for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass - just like they did ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns.
We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools
like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot
(right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a
pine box-minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first
place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and
put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
16) Enjoy your visit.
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